The Daily Parker

Politics, Weather, Photography, and the Dog

Joke: Firmness

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on her butt and said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle."

While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought herself better and replied with silence.

The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and said, "You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra."

This was beyond a silence response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by the penis. With a death grip in place she said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your brother!"

Submitted by reader M.B.

Joke: Newlyweds

A typical macho man married a typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, laid down the following rules: "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want, and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night, whether you're here or not."

Submitted by reader C.K.

Joke: Last Rites

A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in New York. He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers around.

"A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasps.

A policeman checks the crowd: no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind.

"A PRIEST, PLEASE!" the dying man says again.

Then out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man of at least eighty years of age.

"Mr. Policeman," says the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Catholic. But for fifty years now I'm living behind St. Elizabeth's Catholic Church on First Avenue, and every night I'm listening to the Catholic litany. Maybe I can be of some comfort to this man."

The policeman agreed and brought the octogenarian over to where the dying man lay. He kneels down, leans over the injured and says in a solemn voice: "B-4. I-19. N-38. G-54. O-72..."

Submitted by reader B.P.

Quotes: The Wisdom of Mayor Barry

Actual public utterances of former Washington mayor Marion Barry:

"I promise you a police car on every sidewalk."

"If you take out the killings, Washington actually has a very, very low crime rate."

"First, it was not a strip bar, it was an erotic club. And second, what can I say? I'm a night owl."

"Bitch set me up."

"I am clearly more popular than Reagan. I am in my third term. Where's Reagan? Gone after two! Defeated by George Bush and Michael Dukakis, no less."

"The laws in this city are clearly racist. All laws are racist. The law of gravity is racist."

"People have criticized me because my security detail is larger than the President's. But you must ask yourself: are there more people who want to kill me than who want to kill the President? I can assure you there are."

"The brave men who died in Vietnam, more than 100% of which were black, were the ultimate sacrifice."

"What right does Congress have to go around making laws just because they deem it necessary?"

"People blame me because these water mains break, but I ask you, if the water mains didn't break, would it be my responsibility to fix them then? Would it!?!"

"I am a great mayor; I am an upstanding Christian man; I am an intelligent man; I am a deeply educated man; I am a humble man."

Submitted by reader C.K.

Obituary: Pop 'n Fresh

Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh, also known as the "Pillsbury Dough Boy," died Monday of a yeast infection. He was 31. Fresh was buried Thursday in one of the biggest funerals in years. Dozens of celebrities attended, including Betty Crocker, Mrs. Butterworth, the Keebler Elves and Hungry Jack. The graveside was pilled high with flours; longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew he was kneaded."

Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He wasn't considered a smart cookie and wasted much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model to millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife. They had two children—and one in the oven.

Submitted by reader C.K.

Joke: the Substitute

A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do.

The rabbi comes and he and the priest are in the confessional. In a few minutes a woman comes in and says, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned. I committed adultery."

Priest says: "How many times?"

Woman: "Three times."

Priest says, "Say two Hail Marys, put $5.00 in the box, and sin no more."

A few minutes later a man enters the confessional. He says, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned."

Priest says, "What did you do?"

Man says, "I committed adultery."

Priest asks, "How many times?"

Man replys, "Three times."

Priest says, "Say two Hail Marys, put $5.00 in the box, and sin no more."

The Rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it so the priest leaves. A few minutes later another woman enters and says, "Father forgive me for I have sinned."

Rabbi says, "What did you do?"

Woman replys, "I committed adultery."

Rabbi asks, "How many times?"

Woman says, "Once."

Rabbi says, "Go do it two more times! We have a special this week: three for $5.00!"

Submitted by reader C.K.

Joke: In Hell

Three guys found themselves in Hell: Carl, Bob, and Brett. They were a little confused at their present situation, and they were startled to see a door in the wall open, and behind the door was perhaps the ugliest woman they had ever seen. She was four feet tall, dirty, and they could smell her even over the Brimstone.

They heard the voice of the Devil: "Brett, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!" And Brett was whisked through the door by a group of lesser demons to his torment.

This shook up the other two, and so they both jumped when a second door opened, and they saw an even more disgusting example of womanhood gone wrong. She was over seven feet tall, monstrous, covered in thick black hair and flies.

The Devil said: "Carl, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!" And Carl, like Brett, was whisked off.

Bob, now alone, feared the worst when the third door opened. And as the door inched open, he strained to see the figure of...Cindy Crawford. Delighted, Bob jumped up, taking in the sight of this beautiful woman, barely dressed in a skimpy bikini.

Then he heard the voice of the Devil saying: "Cindy, you have sinned...."

Submitted by reader L.P.

List: Alcohol warnings

The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer and alcohol bottles, such as:

  1. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
  2. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.
  3. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
  4. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
  5. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
  6. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.
  7. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).
  8. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
  9. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Bruiser.
  10. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
  11. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing with you.
  12. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause variations in your time-space continuum, wherein small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.
  13. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may actually cause pregnancy.

Submitted by reader C.K.

Joke: the Statues

Two statues have been standing in a park for 100 years. They are a pair of young lovers, reaching their hands towards one another, not quite touching. They've been that way for 100 years, reaching out, but never quite touching.

An angel flies over and takes pity on them because they've been reaching out for so long and never quite touching. The angel summons all his strength and powers and brings them to life.

The angel tells them, "I have brought you to life, but I can only do this for half an hour. My powers cannot give you any more. But for that half-hour you may do whatever it is you've been wishing to do for the 100 years you've been there, reaching out to one another but never quite touching."

The pair thank the angel and disappear into the bushes.There is much grunting, groaning, and rustling of leaves. After 15 minutes the couple re-emerge, looking very happy.

"You've only used 15 minutes and I gave you half an hour," said the angel. "Why don't you go back and do it again?"

"Oh, yes," said the young man to the young girl. "Why don't we? But this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll shit on it."

Submitted by reader C.K.

Joke: the Glass Eye

A man who lived in a block of apartments thought it was raining and put his head out the window to check. As he did so a glass eye fell into his hand.

He looked up to see where it came from in time to see a young woman looking down.

"Is this yours?" he asked.

She said, "Yes, could you bring it up?" and the man agreed.

On arrival she was profuse in her thanks and offered the man a drink. As she was very attractive, he agreed. Shortly afterwards, she said, "I'm about to have dinner. There's plenty; would you like to join me?"

He readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a lovely meal. As the evening was drawing to a close the lady said, "I've had a marvelous evening. Would you like to stay the night?"

The man hesitated then said, "Do you act like this with every man you meet?"

"No," she replied, "Only those who catch my eye."

Submitted by reader C.S.