This one first came to us in 1995. It's a classic.
- Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
- Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.
- Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"
- Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
- Sell Girl Scout cookies.
- On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
- Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
- Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
- Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
- When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed
when they open by themselves.
- Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"
- Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
- One word: Flatulence!
- On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the
penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
- Do Tai Chi exercises.
- Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I’ve got new socks on!"
- When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!"
- Give religious tracts to each passenger.
- Meow occasionally.
- Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
- Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"
- Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
- Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.
- Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
- Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
- Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You’re one of THEM!"
and move to the far corner.
- Burp, and then say "mmmm...tasty!"
- Leave a box between the doors.
- Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
- Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.
- Start a sing-along.
- When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"
- Play the harmonica.
- Shadow box.
- Say "Ding!" at each floor.
- Lean against the button panel.
- Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
- Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
- Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce that this is your "personal space."
- Bring a chair along.
- Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"
- Blow spit bubbles.
- Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
- Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
- Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
- Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
- Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
- Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger."
- If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!"
Here are the new rules regarding displays of patriotism in the U.S.:
- To buy an American flag, you must present proof you
have voted at least once in the last three elections
(yes, local and state elections count).
- To display an American flag in any form, you must
present proof of voter registration.
- To wave an American flag in public, you must be
able to name at least one of the following:
- Your Senator
- Your Representative
- Your President ("George Bush" does not count; ambiguous)
- To sell any product with an American flag on it,
you must answer the following question:
The Bill of Rights is part of:
- the Constitution
- the Magna Carta
- the Declaration of Independence
- Those heard singing patriotic songs in public may
be asked to show their voter registration cards.
- To be permitted to scream "Nuke Afghanistan", you
must be able to correctly locate Afghanistan on a map
- To be permitted to scream "Arabs go home", you must
list and correctly locate ten Arab homelands.
- Those who wish to express opinions about Arabs and
Arab-Americans must pass the following test:
- Those who follow the religion of Islam are called:
- The holy book of Islam is called:
- The Koran
- The Koram
- The Bible
- In Arabic, God is called:
- Priority for purchase of American flags will be
given to those whose ancestors lived on American soil
the longest. When all American Indians who wish to
display the red, white and blue are satisfied, other
applicants will be accepted.
- A call for war on any radio talk-show will be
construed as a public declaration of willingness to
enlist in the US Army; callers will have 24 hours to
complete the paperwork.
Thank you for your cooperation.
Submitted by reader S.S.