Events

Your momma is so fat: When she hauls ass she has to make two trips. When she dances she makes the band skip. When she was diagnosed with the flesh eating disease the doctor gave her 13 years to live. Her cereal bowl came with a lifeguard. Her high school graduation picture was an aerial photograph. Her driver's license says "Picture continued on other side." She has to iron her pants on the driveway. The shadow of her ass weighs 100 pounds. The back of her neck looks like a pack of hot dogs. "Place Your...

One day an Englishman, an American, and a Scotsman walked into a pub together. The proceeded to each buy a pint of Molson Canadian. Just as they were about to enjoy their beverage, a fly landed in each of their pints. The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust. The American fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened. The Scotsman picked the fly out of his drink and started shaking it over the pint, yelling, "SPI' I' OOT, SPI' I' OOT YE...

A small, two-seater Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Arkansas. The Arkansas State Police have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening. Submitted by reader C.K.

Old man Moskowitz was getting along in years. He decided to retire and let his 3 sons run the company (which manufactured a wide variety of nails). The sons thought they could increase market-share with some judicious billboard advertising. Only a week later the old man was taking his usual Sunday drive in the country when he saw the first billboard ad. There it was—a picture of Jesus on the Cross, with the caption: "Nails for Every Purpose. Use Moskowitz Nails." The old man immediately met with his...

The Bible offers a number of alternatives to the bar scene and personal ads for those men wishing to settle down and marry: Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she's yours. (Deuteronomy 21:11-13) Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock. (Moses, Exodus 2:16-21) Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal. (Boaz, Ruth 4:5-10) Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to...

A guy decides that he might like to have a pet and makes a visit to the pet store. After browsing around the store, the man spots a parrot sitting up on his perch; although, it appears the parrot has no feet or legs! The guy says out loud, "Gee, I wonder what happened to this parrot?" "I was born this way," replied the parrot. "I'm defective." "Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me." "I understood every word you said." replied the parrot....

A rather inhibited engineer finally splurged on a luxury cruise to the Caribbean. It was the craziest thing he had ever done in his life. Just as he was beginning to enjoy himself, a hurricane roared upon the huge ship, capsizing it like a child's toy. Somehow the engineer, desperately hanging on to a life preserver, managed to wash ashore on a secluded island. Other than beautiful scenery, a spring-fed pool, bananas and coconuts, there was little else. He lost all hope and for hours on end, day after...

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a Rabbi, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study and said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study Torah a little more, and get your hair cut, and we'll talk about it." After about a month, the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car. They again went to the father's study. Father said, "Son, I've been really proud of you. You...

Life on the Mississippi Chapter 17: Cut-offs [I now have] an opportunity of introducing one of the Mississippi's oddest peculiarities--that of shortening its length from time to time. If you will throw a long, pliant apple-paring over your shoulder, it will pretty fairly shape itself into an average section of the Mississippi River, that is, the nine or ten hundred miles stretching from Cairo, Ill., southward to New Orleans, the same being wonderfully crooked, with a brief straight bit here and there at...

Two ferocious cannibal chiefs sat licking their fingers after a large meal. "Your wife makes a delicious roast," one chief said. "Thanks," his friend said, "I'm gonna miss her." A new nurse listened while Dr. Blake was yelling, "Typhoid! Tetanus! Measles!" The new nurse asked another nurse, "Why is he doing that?" The other nurse replied, "Oh, he just likes to call the shots around here." Hangover: The wrath of grapes. Income Tax: Capital punishment. A used car is not always what it's jacked up to be....