Events

A typical macho man married a typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, laid down the following rules: "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want, and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?" His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand...

Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh, also known as the "Pillsbury Dough Boy," died Monday of a yeast infection. He was 31. Fresh was buried Thursday in one of the biggest funerals in years. Dozens of celebrities attended, including Betty Crocker, Mrs. Butterworth, the Keebler Elves and Hungry Jack. The graveside was pilled high with flours; longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew he was kneaded." Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later...

Three guys found themselves in Hell: Carl, Bob, and Brett. They were a little confused at their present situation, and they were startled to see a door in the wall open, and behind the door was perhaps the ugliest woman they had ever seen. She was four feet tall, dirty, and they could smell her even over the Brimstone. They heard the voice of the Devil: "Brett, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!" And Brett was whisked through the door by a group of...

A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do. The rabbi comes and he and the priest are in the confessional. In a few minutes a woman comes in and says, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned. I committed adultery." Priest...

The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer and alcohol bottles, such as: WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you...

A man who lived in a block of apartments thought it was raining and put his head out the window to check. As he did so a glass eye fell into his hand. He looked up to see where it came from in time to see a young woman looking down. "Is this yours?" he asked. She said, "Yes, could you bring it up?" and the man agreed. On arrival she was profuse in her thanks and offered the man a drink. As she was very attractive, he agreed. Shortly afterwards, she said, "I'm about to have dinner. There's plenty; would...

Two statues have been standing in a park for 100 years. They are a pair of young lovers, reaching their hands towards one another, not quite touching. They've been that way for 100 years, reaching out, but never quite touching. An angel flies over and takes pity on them because they've been reaching out for so long and never quite touching. The angel summons all his strength and powers and brings them to life. The angel tells them, "I have brought you to life, but I can only do this for half an hour. My...

Top Ten Slogans Currently Being Considered by Pfizer, Inc for Viagra: 10. "Viagra. The quicker dicker upper" 9. "One-a-day, like iron" 8. "Get a piece of the rock" 7. "You've come a long way, baby" 6. "Viagra, it plumps when you take 'em" 5. "Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman" 4. "Tastes great, more filling" 3. "Viagra, built ram tough" 2. "Here's the beef!" and the number one slogan being considered: 1. "Just do her." Some honorable mentions: "We work harder, so you don't have to" "Ten...

Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball but only on two conditions: "First, you must wear a diaphragm." Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?" "You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin." Cinderella agrees to be home by 2 a.m. The appointed hour comes and goes, and...

A man is driving down a deserted highway, and notices a sign that reads: SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 10 MILES He thinks it was a figment of his imagination - and drives on. Soon, he sees another sign which says: SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 5 MILES Realizing these signs are for real, he drives on, and sure enough, there is a third: SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - NEXT RIGHT His curiosity gets the best of him, and he pulls into the driveway. On the far side of the...