Events

Top Ten Slogans Currently Being Considered by Pfizer, Inc for Viagra: 10. "Viagra. The quicker dicker upper" 9. "One-a-day, like iron" 8. "Get a piece of the rock" 7. "You've come a long way, baby" 6. "Viagra, it plumps when you take 'em" 5. "Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman" 4. "Tastes great, more filling" 3. "Viagra, built ram tough" 2. "Here's the beef!" and the number one slogan being considered: 1. "Just do her." Some honorable mentions: "We work harder, so you don't have to" "Ten...

Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball but only on two conditions: "First, you must wear a diaphragm." Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?" "You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin." Cinderella agrees to be home by 2 a.m. The appointed hour comes and goes, and...

A man is driving down a deserted highway, and notices a sign that reads: SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 10 MILES He thinks it was a figment of his imagination - and drives on. Soon, he sees another sign which says: SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 5 MILES Realizing these signs are for real, he drives on, and sure enough, there is a third: SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - NEXT RIGHT His curiosity gets the best of him, and he pulls into the driveway. On the far side of the...

An Ontarian wanted to become a Newfie (i.e., a Newfoundlander). He went to a neurosurgeon and asked, "Is there anything you can do to me that would make me into a Newfie?" "Sure, it's easy." replied the neurosurgeon. "All I have to do is cut out 1/3 of your brain, and you'll be a Newfie." The Ontarian was very pleased, and immediately underwent the operation. However, the surgeon's knife slipped, and instead of cutting out 1/3 of the patient's brain, the surgeon accidentally cut out 2/3 of the patient's...

One day an Englishman, an American, and a Scotsman walked into a pub together. The proceeded to each buy a pint of Molson Canadian. Just as they were about to enjoy their beverage, a fly landed in each of their pints. The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust. The American fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened. The Scotsman picked the fly out of his drink and started shaking it over the pint, yelling, "SPI' I' OOT, SPI' I' OOT YE...

Your momma is so fat: When she hauls ass she has to make two trips. When she dances she makes the band skip. When she was diagnosed with the flesh eating disease the doctor gave her 13 years to live. Her cereal bowl came with a lifeguard. Her high school graduation picture was an aerial photograph. Her driver's license says "Picture continued on other side." She has to iron her pants on the driveway. The shadow of her ass weighs 100 pounds. The back of her neck looks like a pack of hot dogs. "Place Your...

A small, two-seater Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Arkansas. The Arkansas State Police have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening. Submitted by reader C.K.

Old man Moskowitz was getting along in years. He decided to retire and let his 3 sons run the company (which manufactured a wide variety of nails). The sons thought they could increase market-share with some judicious billboard advertising. Only a week later the old man was taking his usual Sunday drive in the country when he saw the first billboard ad. There it was—a picture of Jesus on the Cross, with the caption: "Nails for Every Purpose. Use Moskowitz Nails." The old man immediately met with his...

The Bible offers a number of alternatives to the bar scene and personal ads for those men wishing to settle down and marry: Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she's yours. (Deuteronomy 21:11-13) Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock. (Moses, Exodus 2:16-21) Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal. (Boaz, Ruth 4:5-10) Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to...

A guy decides that he might like to have a pet and makes a visit to the pet store. After browsing around the store, the man spots a parrot sitting up on his perch; although, it appears the parrot has no feet or legs! The guy says out loud, "Gee, I wonder what happened to this parrot?" "I was born this way," replied the parrot. "I'm defective." "Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me." "I understood every word you said." replied the parrot....