The Daily Parker

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List: Rules for Jewish living

  1. Never take a front-row seat at a bris.
  2. If you can't say something nice, say it in Yiddish.
  3. The High Holidays have nothing to do with marijuana.
  4. One mitzvah can change the world; two will just make you tired.
  5. A bad matzoh ball makes a good paperweight.
  6. Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy?
  7. According to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be eaten only in Chinese restaurants.
  8. No meal is complete without leftovers.
  9. If you have to ask the price, you can't afford it. But if you can, make sure you tell everybody what you paid.
  10. WASPs leave and never say good-bye. Jews say good-bye and never leave.
  11. Israel is the land of milk and honey; Florida is the land of milk of magnesia.
  12. Next year in Jerusalem. The year after, how about a nice cruise?
  13. Spring ahead, fall back, winter in Miami.
  14. Laugh now, but one day you'll be driving a big Cadillac and eating dinner at four in the afternoon.

And last, but certainly not least:

  1. There comes a time in every man's life when he must stand up and tell his mother that he is an Adult. This usually happens at around age 45.

Submitted by reader L.M.

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