The Daily Parker

Two statues have been standing in a park for 100 years. They are a pair of young lovers, reaching their hands towards one another, not quite touching. They've been that way for 100 years, reaching out, but never quite touching.

An angel flies over and takes pity on them because they've been reaching out for so long and never quite touching. The angel summons all his strength and powers and brings them to life.

The angel tells them, "I have brought you to life, but I can only do this for half an hour. My powers cannot give you any more. But for that half-hour you may do whatever it is you've been wishing to do for the 100 years you've been there, reaching out to one another but never quite touching."

The pair thank the angel and disappear into the bushes.There is much grunting, groaning, and rustling of leaves. After 15 minutes the couple re-emerge, looking very happy.

"You've only used 15 minutes and I gave you half an hour," said the angel. "Why don't you go back and do it again?"

"Oh, yes," said the young man to the young girl. "Why don't we? But this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll shit on it."

Submitted by reader C.K.

A man who lived in a block of apartments thought it was raining and put his head out the window to check. As he did so a glass eye fell into his hand.

He looked up to see where it came from in time to see a young woman looking down.

"Is this yours?" he asked.

She said, "Yes, could you bring it up?" and the man agreed.

On arrival she was profuse in her thanks and offered the man a drink. As she was very attractive, he agreed. Shortly afterwards, she said, "I'm about to have dinner. There's plenty; would you like to join me?"

He readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a lovely meal. As the evening was drawing to a close the lady said, "I've had a marvelous evening. Would you like to stay the night?"

The man hesitated then said, "Do you act like this with every man you meet?"

"No," she replied, "Only those who catch my eye."

Submitted by reader C.S.

Top Ten Slogans Currently Being Considered by Pfizer, Inc for Viagra:

10. "Viagra. The quicker dicker upper"
9. "One-a-day, like iron"
8. "Get a piece of the rock"
7. "You've come a long way, baby"
6. "Viagra, it plumps when you take 'em"
5. "Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman"
4. "Tastes great, more filling"
3. "Viagra, built ram tough"
2. "Here's the beef!"

and the number one slogan being considered:

1. "Just do her."

Some honorable mentions:

• "We work harder, so you don't have to"
• "Ten inches long...and growing."
• "Viagra, when it absolutely, positively has to be there tonight"
• "Viagra, home of the whopper"
• "Viagra, Now is a great time to be silver"
• "This is your penis. This is your penis on Viagra. Any questions?"

Viagra is a registered trademark of Pfizer, Inc for their sildenafil citrate tablets.

Submitted by reader B.P.

Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball but only on two conditions:

"First, you must wear a diaphragm."

Cinderella agrees.

"What's the second condition?"

"You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin."

Cinderella agrees to be home by 2 a.m.

The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up, looking love-struck and very satisfied.

"Where the hell have you been?" demands the fairy godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!!"

"I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything."

"I know of no prince with that kind of power! What was his name?"

"I can't remember, exactly. Peter, Peter, something or other...."

Submitted by reader C.S.

A man is driving down a deserted highway, and notices a sign that reads:

SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 10 MILES

He thinks it was a figment of his imagination - and drives on. Soon, he sees another sign which says:

SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 5 MILES

Realizing these signs are for real, he drives on, and sure enough, there is a third:

SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him, and he pulls into the driveway.

On the far side of the parking lot, is a somber stone building with a sign on the door that reads...

SISTERS OF MERCY

He climbs the steps, rings the bell, and the door is answered by a nun in a long black habit, who asks...

"What may we do for you my son?"

"I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing some business," he answers.

"Very well, my son. Please follow me," says the nun.

He is led through many winding passages, and soon he is very disoriented.

The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please, knock on this door" and leaves.

The man does as he is told, and this door is opened by another nun in a long black habit, holding a tin cup. This nun instructs: "Please place $50.00 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway."

He places the money in this nun's tin cup. He trots eagerly down the hallway, and slips through the door, pulling it shut. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:

"Go in Peace. You have just been screwed by the Sisters of Mercy."

Submitted by reader C.K.

One day an Englishman, an American, and a Scotsman walked into a pub together. The proceeded to each buy a pint of Molson Canadian. Just as they were about to enjoy their beverage, a fly landed in each of their pints.

The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.

The American fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.

The Scotsman picked the fly out of his drink and started shaking it over the pint, yelling, "SPI' I' OOT, SPI' I' OOT YE BASTARD!!!"

Submitted by reader C.K.

Your momma is so fat:

• When she hauls ass she has to make two trips.
• When she dances she makes the band skip.
• When she was diagnosed with the flesh eating disease the doctor gave her 13 years to live.
• Her cereal bowl came with a lifeguard.
• Her high school graduation picture was an aerial photograph.
• Her driver's license says "Picture continued on other side."
• She has to iron her pants on the driveway.
• The shadow of her ass weighs 100 pounds.
• The back of her neck looks like a pack of hot dogs.
• "Place Your Ad Here" is printed on each of her butt cheeks.
• All the restaurants in town have signs that say: "Maximum Occupancy: 240 Patrons OR your mama"
• When she gets in an elevator, it HAS to go down.
• She was born with a silver shovel in her mouth.
• She's got smaller fat women orbiting around her.
• She could sell shade.
• When she goes to a restaurant, she doesn't get a menu, she gets an estimate.
• She has to put her belt on with a boomerang.
• She went to the movies and sat next to everyone.
• Her belly button doesn't have lint, it has sweaters.

An Ontarian wanted to become a Newfie (i.e., a Newfoundlander). He went to a neurosurgeon and asked, "Is there anything you can do to me that would make me into a Newfie?"

"Sure, it's easy." replied the neurosurgeon. "All I have to do is cut out 1/3 of your brain, and you'll be a Newfie."

The Ontarian was very pleased, and immediately underwent the operation. However, the surgeon's knife slipped, and instead of cutting out 1/3 of the patient's brain, the surgeon accidentally cut out 2/3 of the patient's brain. He was terribly remorseful, and waited impatiently beside the patient's bed as the patient recovered from the anesthetic.

As soon as the patient was conscious, the nurosurgeon said to him, "I'm terribly sorry, but there was a ghastly accident. Instead of cutting out 1/3 of your brain, I accidentally cut out 2/3 of your brain."

The patient replied "Qu'est-ce que vous avez dit, monsieur?"

Submitted by reader C.K.

A small, two-seater Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Arkansas. The Arkansas State Police have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.

Submitted by reader C.K.

Old man Moskowitz was getting along in years. He decided to retire and let his 3 sons run the company (which manufactured a wide variety of nails). The sons thought they could increase market-share with some judicious billboard advertising.

Only a week later the old man was taking his usual Sunday drive in the country when he saw the first billboard ad. There it was—a picture of Jesus on the Cross, with the caption: "Nails for Every Purpose. Use Moskowitz Nails."

The old man immediately met with his three sons to voice his concern. He explained that the backlash could be horrendous. The company could be ruined. The sons agreed to discontinue that ad.

A week later the old man was again taking his usual Sunday drive when he saw the second billboard ad. There it was—a picture of the same cross, empty, with Jesus crumpled on the ground below...and the caption: "Next Time Use Moskowitz Nails."

Submitted by reader C.K.