The Daily Parker

Politics, Weather, Photography, and the Dog

Joke: Playing Lotto

A [insert cultural/ethnic/hair-color group here] named Babbette finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in serious financial trouble. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray: "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the Lotto."

Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.

The next week Babbette again prays: "God, please let me win the Lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."

Lotto night comes and Babbette still has no luck.

Once again, she prays: "My God, why have You forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask You for help and I have always been a good servant to You. Please just let me win the Lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Babbette is confronted by the voice of God Himself: "Babbette, meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket."

Submitted by reader M.B.

Joke: the Jigsaw Puzzle

One morning this [insert ethnic group here] calls his friend and says "Please come over and help me. I have this killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to start it."

His friend asks "What is it a puzzle of?"

He says "From the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

His friend figures that she's pretty good at puzzles, so she heads over to his place. He lets her in the door and shows her to where he has the puzzle spread all over the table.

She studies the pieces for a moment, then studies the box. She then turns to him and says: "First, no matter what I do, I'm not going to be able to show you how to assemble these to look like the picture of that tiger."

"Second, I'd advise you to relax, have a cup of coffee, and put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."

Submitted by reader S.P.

Poem: Stare into the flame

When I close my eyes
And dream of times we shared
I hear the angels weep
Heaven knows you never cared
Every sun that rises
Brings another lonely day
We used to soar on angels' wings
Now I plod on feet of clay

Stare into the flame
Burning like my shame
I can only blame
You who played the game
Stare into the flame

Wish I'd known when times got tough
You'd throw it all away
So much for 'ever after'
I can't even face today
Whispered promises of love
Down many years will echo
A future life I do not want
A future you made hollow

Stare into the flame
Burning like my shame
I can only blame
You who played the game
Stare into the flame

A bitter friend thought long lost
Here comes the pain again
This is not how life should be
This happens much too often
Eighteen months of agony
Nights filled with desperation
Is this what you wanted?
From pure to desecration?

Stare into the flame
Burning like my shame
I can only blame
You who played the game
Stare into the flame...

Then suddenly you reappear
Pretending nothing's changed
But your smiles cannot erase
The dreams you smashed and rearranged
When I close my eyes
I wish with all my might
I wish I'd never met you
And pray I'll feel all right

Stare into the flame
Burning like my shame
I can only blame
You who played the game
Stare into the flame...
Stare into the flame...

Copyright ©2000 Sean Pearson

Submitted by reader S.P.

Poem: Hunter in the Moon

I met her at a bar on a rainy summer night
She was sitting in a crowd that she wouldn’t call her friends
When I took the seat before her with a smile and my first name
She smiled back, took a sip of wine, and said, "I like this game."

I realized that in her eyes a storm was coming fast
How was I to know I would sit helpless in its path?
Just her name rolled off her lips as seconds slipped by
Diana stole my night with seduction in her eye.

Savage mistress of the moon
Can I know who’s hunting whom?
Keeper of the mystery
You’re coming for me, coming for me

Minutes turned to hours till the witching hour had come
We’d traded barbs and anecdotes and now our brains were numb
Then she stood so suddenly; shadows hid her face
Diana took my hand and slid it way below her waist

Savage mistress of the moon
Do I know who’s hunting whom?
Keeper of the mystery
You’re coming for me, coming for me

Woke up as the sun baked me in a stranger’s bed
Cool breeze coming from the porch—or from the words I read?
"Help yourself to breakfast while I take my morning run
And lock the door when you leave; our one–night stand is done.
Have a nice life."

Copyright ©1999 Sean Pearson

Joke: the Pope

A shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. "This is exciting," thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person." Imagine his surprise when the Pope sat down in the seat next to him. Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to the Pontiff.

Shortly after takeoff, the Pope began a crossword puzzle. "This is fantastic," thought the gentleman. "I'm really good at crosswords. Perhaps, if the Pope gets stuck, he'll ask me for assistance."

Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the gentleman and said, "Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in 'unt'?"

Only one word leapt to mind. "My goodness," thought the gentleman, "I can't tell the Pope that. There must be another word." The gentleman thought for quite a while, then it hit him. Turning to the pope, the gentleman said, "I think the word you're looking for is 'aunt'."

"Of course," said the Pope. "Do you have an eraser?"

Joke: Two bees

Two bees ran into each other. One asked the other how things were going.

"Really bad," said the second bee, "the weather has been really wet and damp and there aren’t any flowers or pollen, so I can’t make any honey."

"No problem," said the first bee, "Just fly down five blocks and turn left and keep going until you see all the cars. There’s a Bar Mitzvah going on and there are all kinds of fresh flowers and fresh fruit."

"Thanks for the tip," said the second bee and flew away.

A few hours later the two bees ran into each other again and the first bee asked, "How’d it go?"

"Fine," said the second bee. "It was everything you said it would be."

"Uh, what’s that thing on your head?" asked the first bee.

"That’s my yarmulke," said the second bee. "I didn’t want them to think I was a wasp."

Submitted by reader S.P.

Joke: Talmudic logic

After months of negotiation, a Jewish scholar from Odessa was granted permission to visit Moscow. He boarded the train and found an empty seat.

At the next stop a young man got on and sat next to him. The scholar looked at the young man and thought: This fellow doesn't look like a peasant, and if he isn't a peasant he probably comes from this district. If he comes from this district, he must be Jewish because this is, after all, the Jewish district.

On the other hand, if he is a Jew where could he be going? I'm the only one in our district who has permission to travel to Moscow.

Wait - just outside Moscow there is a little village called Samvet, and you don't need special permission to go there.

But why would he be going to Samvet? He's probably going to visit one of the Jewish families there, but how many Jewish families are there in Samvet? Only two—the Bernsteins and the Steinbergs. The Bernsteins are a terrible family, so he must be visiting the Steinbergs.

But why is he going? The Steinbergs have only girls, so maybe he's their son- in-law. But if he is, then which daughter did he marry?

Sarah married that nice lawyer from Budapest and Esther married a businessman from Zhadomir, so it must be Sarah's husband. Which means that his name is Alexander Cohen, if I'm not mistaken. But if he comes from Budapest, with all the anti-Semitism they have there, he must have changed his name. What's the Hungarian equivalent of Cohen? Kovacs.

But if he changed his name he must have some special status. What could it be? A doctorate from the university.

At this point the scholar turns to the young man and said "How do you do, Dr. Kovacs?"

"Very well, thank you, sir" answered the startled passenger.

"But how is it that you know my name?"

"Oh," replied the scholar, "it was obvious."

Submitted by reader E.S.

Joke: the Bicycle

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike.

"She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, 'Take what you want.'"

The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; The clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

Submitted by reader M.G.

Joke: Mistresses

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.

The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.

The engineer said, "I like both."

"Both?"

"Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."

Submitted by reader M.G.

Loder and Lando

Taken at a press conference, 17 January 2000:

Cast photo 17 January 2000

Left to right: Anne Marie Loder ("Sophie"), Joe Lando ("Peter").

Photo Copyright ©2000 Michael Braverman. Used by permission.

Submitted by reader M.B.